How to Start a Weekly Multigenerational Meal Part 2
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[00:00:00] [00:00:05] [00:00:10] [00:00:15] [00:00:20] [00:00:25] [00:00:30] [00:00:35] [00:00:40]
[00:00:41] HouseCraft 3 - Session 2 FINAL: So we're gonna, we're just gonna popcorn back and forth. [00:00:45] Is that even the right, I don't even know if that's the right analogy, but, uh, Alright, so, [00:00:50] hopefully you had some good combos at your table, Uh, either, um, you know, [00:00:55] just getting to know each other more, Or potentially thinking about and talking about epic family meals.[00:01:00]
[00:01:00] Um, you probably heard, Me slip and use [00:01:05] the word Shabbat once, uh, when we were talking about that. Both [00:01:10] the, the schmoyers and the barbers both kind of do this in a [00:01:15] weekly rhythm around the Sabbath as well. So that's kind of where that comes from. But, um, so feel free to ask questions about [00:01:20] that if you'd like, but it doesn't have to be regarding that.
[00:01:22] And so what we're going to do is we're going to jump into some [00:01:25] tips. And that is just us going, Hey, what are some learnings and some simple things that [00:01:30] we've taken away from our experiences? Uh, Tim and Dana are going to introduce [00:01:35] themselves right now when I hand them the mic, uh, because they're awesome.
[00:01:38] And we're going to kind of go back and forth on [00:01:40] some things. And then we'll have time for Q and a, and we can kind of just share the mic. Sounds good. I'll let you talk. [00:01:45] Hey, we're the schmoyers. My name is Tim. This is my wife, Dana. We have [00:01:50] somehow figured out how to have seven kids in eight years. And so, there's all of them.
[00:01:53] Our oldest, [00:01:55] Hannah, is over there somewhere. And, uh, we've been doing, uh, Shabbat meals, family [00:02:00] meals, together, um, as a part of our weekly rhythm for ten, [00:02:05] twelve ish? We're not really sure exactly when it happened. Not twelve? Ten years, apparently. And, uh, [00:02:10] so, this has been a rhythm that's been, become really, really meaningful, significant for our family [00:02:15] in a lot of different ways.
[00:02:16] And so, we're excited to talk about it with you guys.
[00:02:19] Funny side [00:02:20] story. Uh, we actually were in a bidding competition on the same house [00:02:25] and didn't know until our daughters were talking and they got the house. But [00:02:30] anyway, fun story because we backed out. We did. They didn't beat us. [00:02:35] Okay? Um, they now live there and it's epic and provides awesome family [00:02:40] meals.
[00:02:40] Um, so very quickly, I didn't really hit [00:02:45] this. Uh, but I'm gonna jump through three things that I would include in the how before we get into [00:02:50] the tips. Um, and when I was scrolling, I realized that. So that's kind of where we are. Um, [00:02:55] one thing that we would suggest doing in any version of this, right? We [00:03:00] talked about the what, uh, being enjoyable, different, [00:03:05] sustainable, rhythmic.
[00:03:06] Also, be remembering. Use this as a time to [00:03:10] remind yourselves. A good friend of mine once said, if you're not remembering, you're forgetting. [00:03:15] Remembrance is active. We think remembrance is [00:03:20] responsive. Like, oh, I just remembered. No, no, no. We actively remember things, [00:03:25] just like we actively rest. And so we would, we always talk about what can we be remembering for [00:03:30] our family's narrative and God's narrative in this epic [00:03:35] family meal that we do.
[00:03:36] Uh, tell your story, tell God's story. [00:03:40] That's what I would say. Okay. Um, [00:03:45] before you spend time together and you try to get close and you spend intentional time like that, [00:03:50] whether, and I would say this in any situation, take time to repent, like, [00:03:55] think about the value of not having discord [00:04:00] among people in your family or between you and God, if you're going to enter an [00:04:05] intentional time of any sort, right?
[00:04:07] So whether you're taking a retreat with your husband or wife, or whether you're [00:04:10] having an intentional family meal, repentance is awesome. Get right with each other and the Lord. [00:04:15] Uh, we actually do this before each meal. We give [00:04:20] the kids and each other time to repent. Hey, is there anything you need to offload that's [00:04:25] hindering you from relationship with God or is hindering you from relationship with one of us?[00:04:30]
[00:04:30] Okay. This is an example of restoration [00:04:35] happening actively. We force physical contact, literally, we're like, alright, hug, [00:04:40] now, go. Um, uh, and then again, we already kind of talked [00:04:45] about this, but presence is greater than productivity, so include, let this be a breath of [00:04:50] fresh air for your family. Again, we, both of these families, use this [00:04:55] within the reference of a weekly Sabbath rhythm anyway.
[00:04:59] which [00:05:00] we'd be glad to talk more about that. But even if you don't call it that, and you're not interested in that, [00:05:05] think about under what conditions can this be a rest, a launch to a restful time for your [00:05:10] family, a deep breath in the midst of chaos. All right. So those are our [00:05:15] quick howls. Uh, remember, uh, [00:05:20] repent and rest are the three R's that we use in that regard.
[00:05:23] And our kids kind of know those. [00:05:25] Actually, we start this epic family meal by saying, all right, what are the three R's? Okay. What are we going to do? That's how we [00:05:30] do it. So. All right. Um, this is the, a [00:05:35] final thing that is a little weird, but I'm going to say it anyway. We use this time to also [00:05:40] declare some things.
[00:05:41] I speak over each kid. This could be, you call this a [00:05:45] blessing. You could just say things that you know to be true about your children. You could, you [00:05:50] know, some people call that prophesying. Some people, you know, there's lots of words you could put on that that [00:05:55] some people think are really weird and some people think are very normal.
[00:05:57] But. Declare truth [00:06:00] to the family and over your, over your family is a really important part of that too. So these are ideas on [00:06:05] the how, things that you could develop and bring into your epic family meal. [00:06:10] Should have done that earlier before dinner, but I didn't. So now we're jumping into tips. [00:06:15] Um, so, uh, on this one, the top tips for sustainable, [00:06:20] awesome family slash Shabbat meals.
[00:06:22] Here are the schmoyers, and they're going to give you the first tip [00:06:25] here. Oh, I didn't pull out my notes. Oh, she gets her notes out. [00:06:30] So one of the things that, uh, we found is rest. I got [00:06:35] credit where credit is due. I got those from Jeremy. I sold a long time ago, but it's like we had to prepare for [00:06:40] rest. It doesn't, it's not this thing that just happens every time our family tries to rest and we just [00:06:45] think like, okay, let's just relax now.
[00:06:47] It was always like, oh, but what about this? Oh, what about that? And like, oh, we got to do [00:06:50] this. And like, oh, did we, you know, remember to do that. Yeah. And so we found that it [00:06:55] works best when we, it's scheduled. We know this is our scheduled time to rest. We know it's coming. It's not going to be [00:07:00] a surprise.
[00:07:00] And so we need to prepare for that. And some of the ways that we repair, [00:07:05] we prepare is, um, we, whatever we're doing for our Sabbath [00:07:10] meal, we just double it and make sure we have plenty of leftovers for the next day. Now our. Now we can rest [00:07:15] the next day and it's usually something good that everyone likes.
[00:07:18] So it's usually, you know, no [00:07:20] one's upset about leftovers, uh, after, after that meal. Uh, we clean the house before we [00:07:25] get into this, into this meal. And then, uh, we plan a few ideas of what we're going to do for fun [00:07:30] together. So, so we're not like going into this, uh, Sabbath is time of rest and just be like, all right, now [00:07:35] what are we going to do?
[00:07:35] Like, this is kind of boring, you know, so it requires some work ahead of time to [00:07:40] plan and prepare so that when it comes, we're like ready and prepared to rest. [00:07:45] And then you have the rest of it, I think. One of the things [00:07:50] that we'll probably get into a little bit later, um, Talking about hosting other families with us, but the [00:07:55] preparation, speaking about repent and like making sure everybody's hearts are right, especially when you're hosting [00:08:00] another family, things can get a little bit stressful when you're trying to get things right and perfect before you have somebody else [00:08:05] over.
[00:08:05] And that was a huge thing that I felt like right away of like, [00:08:10] Oh, we can't do this. Like a lot of normal people will do Sunday mornings where you're rushing for [00:08:15] church and fighting and bickering and you get in the door and you're like, Oh, we're so happy to be here. Like, [00:08:20] you can't do that on your family meal either.
[00:08:22] And so, knowing what's [00:08:25] gonna need to be prepped and how much time it's gonna take, I usually like starting it way [00:08:30] early in the day and have everything ready way super early, if possible. [00:08:35] Sometimes we invite our guests in to help us get ready. But just making it to where [00:08:40] I'm not bickering at the kids, the kids aren't fighting with each other, giving it enough time so that [00:08:45] it's an enjoyable time together.
[00:08:49] [00:08:50] Yeah, I think if whatever you're doing is destroying your family, that means it's a pretty good sign you're doing it [00:08:55] wrong. So like that same idea, I remember going to a women's Bible [00:09:00] study every week, and it was like, this is a really great, good, godly thing. And I was yelling at my [00:09:05] kids the whole way there to get there in time, and it was like, this is not the thing.
[00:09:07] I'm just not doing the thing, even though [00:09:10] it's good. So that's not me advocating for not doing this meal, but instead [00:09:15] advocating for If it didn't work this week, try to change something for next week, even to [00:09:20] the point of we had a season where we literally did Chipotle three nights a week, [00:09:25] not even just on the family meal, but the family meal as well, because that's what we needed to do to make it [00:09:30] sustainable and realistic for our family.
[00:09:31] And at that time, um, something [00:09:35] to think about if you're going to take any time to be intentional and you actually are going to like [00:09:40] spend time doing something instead of just eating.[00:09:45]
[00:09:46] You guys know what this is like. So think ahead. This is just about preparation. [00:09:50] We've learned, like, if you try to have any conver if you're trying to declare anything over [00:09:55] your children, if you're trying to, uh, spend time repenting together, and you've [00:10:00] got a two year old who's not eating food, it's not gonna work, [00:10:05] right?
[00:10:05] And so just be reasonable, think ahead, just like you would do at any event you're planning, [00:10:10] think of it as an event, and you're planning it. And you need an event planning, uh, [00:10:15] And this would be one of the things, just get something simple that they can eat, uh, as you, [00:10:20] um, Go about the process.
[00:10:24] There's always, like you [00:10:25] guys were just saying, there's always those weeks where you're like, Oh, we plan to have a great meal and [00:10:30] all this fun together. We went out, we rent, it was a place by us, we can rent board games from three bucks for two [00:10:35] weeks. So it was like, we, we planned ahead. This is the fun we're going to do.
[00:10:38] And then it's just like one of those [00:10:40] days, you know, one of those weeks and it's just not happening. And so we always, we budget in [00:10:45] our, we do a monthly budget in the first of every month. Yeah. And so we, uh, [00:10:50] we have it as a line item in there for like, this is our like once or twice [00:10:55] a month if we need to like line item for our fallback.
[00:10:59] So we [00:11:00] plan for those days when it's just, we can't pull off. the thing and we're just [00:11:05] gonna go pick up Chipotle and bring it back. We've done that many times, or, uh, whatever it is. And [00:11:10] we feel like, hey, we get to be a blessing to whoever owns this restaurant. We support their family for this Sabbath [00:11:15] instead, you know?
[00:11:16] And so it's, uh, it's not cheap for a family of nine, especially as they keep [00:11:20] getting older. But again, planning for it, then it's not like, ooh, can we do this or not? We already know [00:11:25] the answer is yes, because we plan in advance to have that in our budget. And Mexican's [00:11:30] usually the choice, because free chips and salsa.
[00:11:34] Preach it. [00:11:35] All right, um, Our favorite, uh, halftime Super Bowl [00:11:40] performer, we must usher in this meal together. And what I mean by this [00:11:45] is, you might prepare for rest. Chris, you liking this? Okay, thanks. [00:11:50] Um, We, so what do we do? We sing Usher songs [00:11:55] together. That's right. I'm joking. We don't do that. Although we kind of do, [00:12:00] because they're awesome.
[00:12:00] But, um. They're not kid friendly. They're not kid friendly. Uh, [00:12:05] but Ange and I, we learned this as our kids got to, so this is a progressive [00:12:10] revelation over time. As our kids got to the age where they weren't pooping themselves, [00:12:15] um, all the time, anyway. Um. We [00:12:20] realize like, Oh, if we prepare correctly for this, we [00:12:25] can go in to this experience together.
[00:12:28] What do I mean by that? Well, [00:12:30] this is something we, we, we do every week. Um, we take [00:12:35] time and it's annoying to the kids usually, but We've, we hopefully have prepped the [00:12:40] meal. Everything's ready to go. We'll talk more about good meal options in a minute. [00:12:45] Uh, and then she and I grab a glass of wine or an old fashion or [00:12:50] whatever, and we'll go out, be alone on the porch and just like, [00:12:55] go,
[00:12:58] are we a team? [00:13:00] We're a team. We don't say that we're just experiencing each other. Right. And [00:13:05] saying, Hey, if we're going to go into create an environment together, that we're [00:13:10] building a culture to see the vision I had. Then let's do this where we are not [00:13:15] like crashing into into it, right? And you kind of talked about preparing for rest [00:13:20] that this is a way we've learned to say, take a moment together [00:13:25] without the kids that could be put on a show that could be have chores for them to [00:13:30] do to final clean up again at a stage where your kids are there.
[00:13:34] I get it. Some [00:13:35] families are not there yet, but. That is what we've learned in the last, you know, [00:13:40] kind of four to five years as our last one aged out of that age group. It was like, Oh, [00:13:45] whoa, this is a really valuable time for us. one of the ways we do that [00:13:50] is also, I talked about sounds, uh, we have, and just chill [00:13:55] worship.
[00:13:55] So we talked about this candle, we have a, we [00:14:00] have song, like a music playlist that's just happening in our home as we lead into [00:14:05] this, uh, which has also been a really valuable thing to just kind of go like, Oh, there's a sound. [00:14:10] There's a smell, there's a setting, there's a tone that's being done for this meal [00:14:15] every week.
[00:14:15] Those are not all our kids, by the way. We, we, we, [00:14:20] uh, so one of the reasons that we fell into is, um, we like doing Shabbat [00:14:25] and these meals with other families. It just increases, like, this is unique. This is different. This is [00:14:30] fun. This is fun. This is special. And, and we, so it started, I don't know, like eight years ago or something.
[00:14:34] We had a [00:14:35] list of, here's all the families we'd like to do this with. And the list was like if we did every family once, [00:14:40] we would be seeing them like once a year. So we decided, let's just have a invite everyone over. And now [00:14:45] we've been doing it for a long time. We have a thing called open house Sabbath. So if anyone wants to experience it, you're new to it [00:14:50] and you want to, you're welcome to our place to see one of us, get our number.
[00:14:52] And it's like, Yeah, we got [00:14:55] a couple, tons of families. There's a bunch of families go around our place and we created a, um, a meal, pre meal [00:15:00] routine, which I've mostly stolen from other people as we were going in other people's homes in the early years [00:15:05] of us experiencing this. I'm like, Ooh, I like what they do.
[00:15:06] I like what those do. And I kind of pieced together. So. [00:15:10] The pre meal routine, whatever it is for your family, I think helps make this feel like this is different. [00:15:15] Like, like you're talking about. This is special. This is something that's unique. This is something that's like, it's [00:15:20] a, it's a line in the sand, like work, work, work, work, work, rest.
[00:15:23] Otherwise, it's just kind of [00:15:25] like, We can clean up the meal and then there's always more to do. And it's always, you know, it's [00:15:30] like, this is a line of demarcation of like, this is when we're resting. Everyone understands that. And it just [00:15:35] makes it feel like we're into, we've entered into a different season for 24 hours.
[00:15:39] And so [00:15:40] our pre meal routine, and you don't, I mean, this isn't prescribed or anything, this is what we do. [00:15:45] Is, we start by, with the kids, especially when they're younger, we just read a Bible story. [00:15:50] Um, sometimes it's from the Jesus Storybook Bible, because everyone can understand that. Um, sometimes it's from, [00:15:55] like, an actual Bible, you know, just kind of depends.
[00:15:57] And so we read that, and then we just, mid rash it, we just talk [00:16:00] about it for, like, five minutes. 10 minutes maybe, just what stands out to you guys here. And we talk about it, [00:16:05] wrestle with it, and um, and then we will do that basket you can maybe see [00:16:10] in front of me. I stole this from the Stanios. They have um, a whole bunch of lists of this [00:16:15] is why we celebrate Shabbat.
[00:16:16] And for us, that was especially helpful because we usually have [00:16:20] people over who are like, so what? Like, what are you doing here? And so just reading a few of them out [00:16:25] loud, we passed the basket around, had three kids just. We'll just draw a reason randomly [00:16:30] and they'll read it. And we'll just talk about it when it's like, Hey, we reject the world's lie.
[00:16:33] That busyness and being [00:16:35] overloaded with work is the avenue to joy, right? And they're like, uh, people are like, Oh, I never thought about that before. So it's [00:16:40] kind of cool. We talked about it for a little bit and then we do a candle real quick, which is just like, [00:16:45] um, reminding us that we're going to rest, um, prayer blessing over the children.
[00:16:49] When it's [00:16:50] everyone over, I just kind of do a blanket one over us, but when it's just our family. Dana does that over her daughters. [00:16:55] I do the sons. Um, I read Proverbs 31 over my wife as a blessing to [00:17:00] her. Shabbat Shalom. That's well, that's what you do. That wasn't a cowboy thing. That was like, we clap our [00:17:05] hands and we do this.
[00:17:06] Yeah, exactly. I just automatically get into the rhythm [00:17:10] of it, but we're saying it and then we go, So it takes the whole thing total, maybe takes [00:17:15] 20 minutes or something like that. And now everyone knows like, all right, we're in the, we're in the like [00:17:20] resting Shabbat celebrating, we're in the mood for it.
[00:17:22] And it just kind of ushers in [00:17:25] in a different kind of usher. Just like, yes, we're doing this now. No, it's the same kind of usher. Same kind of [00:17:30] usher.
[00:17:30] Um, I want to add to that when we first were starting kind of this family [00:17:35] meal idea again, we had no kids and then we had just little kids and it was really [00:17:40] valuable for us to step into other families, particularly if you come from a family, even if [00:17:45] your family are believers and you're, um, really like united with your extended family, [00:17:50] they may not be doing this.
[00:17:51] So stepping into a family to just get that experience to kind of [00:17:55] start seeing some different ways of running with us is great. Um, and [00:18:00] also. For us, um, once we started having our kids, it just kind of felt a little, like, [00:18:05] awkward with just the one year old. Like, okay, here, let's do the family meal, or [00:18:10] whatever.
[00:18:10] So, um, early on, we invited a lot of people into ours that, um, were [00:18:15] singles or didn't have kids yet, um, to kind of make that a little more well rounded. And again, [00:18:20] this idea of everything's gonna ebb and flow, and the seasons change, and that's okay, don't beat yourself [00:18:25] up when you have a really great season.
[00:18:26] And then the next season feels like tanked. Um, because then we [00:18:30] kind of had to pull back after a couple years going, Oh, wait, we got so [00:18:35] into the rhythm of having other people over into our house that we started actually [00:18:40] neglecting the whole original purpose, which was teaching our kids and feeding like into the [00:18:45] souls and spirits of our kids.
[00:18:46] So we made this meal, um, unintentionally [00:18:50] about the guest we were having over. So we actually took a very long season of [00:18:55] not having people present except for true blood relatives, extended family. Um, [00:19:00] in fact, we just opened that back up. ago. Um, because [00:19:05] we knew this is a family thing, n [00:19:10] outreach thing. It can be has to start within the f the [00:19:15] things that we realiz When we had guests, it [00:19:20] wasn't the presence of the guests that was the problem, it was our focus.[00:19:25]
[00:19:25] So, we're trying to be hospitable, and we are like, [00:19:30] Kids, get away! Go watch a show! Hey, what's going on in your life? And it was like, whoa, that's [00:19:35] not building toward that 83 year old version of sitting at that table together, right? And [00:19:40] so, it's just re evaluation, right, of priorities. Um, [00:19:45] and you kind of just already talked about this.
[00:19:47] We're always experimenting with the [00:19:50] details. Um, crockpot meals or epic, [00:19:55] amazing, like five course dinner, back and forth, depending on the season. Try it out. What do you [00:20:00] like? Again, all more power to you. If you find the one meal that you eat [00:20:05] every week, if you're that kind of family that can just like, that's amazing.
[00:20:08] Do that. Yeah. Sunday pot [00:20:10] roast. Um, again, we've done stuff like this because [00:20:15] we get really excited and we have energy. Yeah. And we do this as well or [00:20:20] chipotle or whatever it comes out to be Um, also I want to say [00:20:25] the times that this happens most is when my girls do it. So Um, because [00:20:30] that's I like that but that's a lot more work on top of all the other things.
[00:20:33] So [00:20:35] Utilizing them to be like, hey, how can you set the table? How can you make this beautiful? What can be awesome about this? [00:20:40] Yeah, and when your kids are our age, you can do fondue like we did a few months ago Yeah [00:20:45] Which always sounds fun.[00:20:50]
[00:20:50] It never is, let's be honest. We returned the fund you said, actually.[00:20:55]
[00:20:57] Well, hold on. It wasn't the one we [00:21:00] used. We did this one. That's a long story. We didn't use it and return it, just [00:21:05] so we're all clear. This is another one that I think is important. Uh, [00:21:10] over. I want to reference we. This is referenced as the multi generational family [00:21:15] meal or family table, right? Well, what?
[00:21:17] What does that mean? Do you have to include generations, [00:21:20] multiple generations, or it's not a real thing? I don't know. I don't care, really. But [00:21:25] here's what I think about. I think about the table when Ang is 83. That that's what I think of multi [00:21:30] generational. I'm building, we are building a meal and a table that [00:21:35] will contain multiple generations.
[00:21:38] There are [00:21:40] times where multiple generations are currently present. My parents, I showed you a picture of one of those, [00:21:45] um, are my sibling. Um, and, and I want to be [00:21:50] inclusive of those generations, but I'm just giving you permission. You don't have to [00:21:55] force generations who are disinterested. I want you to have this work so [00:22:00] just so you can be building right that idea of being the Abraham, you know, [00:22:05] kind of recasting a new vision for your family.
[00:22:08] If it's not there, and they're like no, it's [00:22:10] not a priority to me. I don't really care then maybe include them when they want to be, but don't depend on them. [00:22:15] However, if they are present [00:22:20] from the youngest to the oldest, give them something to beat to do [00:22:25] an experience right? When my dad's there, he's blessing the kids.[00:22:30]
[00:22:30] When he's not, I am. Cool. Right? I want my [00:22:35] daughter having everyone smell the candle. Right? I want everyone, I want people helping set the [00:22:40] table. Whoever is present, I like there to be engagement. And I think that's important. [00:22:45] Uh, so that there is more than just a getting it, but experiencing it [00:22:50] together.
[00:22:51] So everyone does better when they have a role. Um, [00:22:55] because it gives clarity. And I feel like particularly for the older generations, that's so. [00:23:00] Um, and we've seen that Rhett's parents are amazing. Um, but when [00:23:05] left to their own devices and not sure what to do, especially when they're coming into our house.
[00:23:08] Right? Like, [00:23:10] they're, it's not their house, they don't know where things are, well they do, but they don't know if I should get it now or [00:23:15] if I should do this, right? And so, they're not always sure how to engage unless you remind them, [00:23:20] hey, engage this way. So they might be more apt to pull out their phone or to sit there and not [00:23:25] engage.
[00:23:25] And so when we're giving them that direction, not once have they been annoyed, they're actually, like, [00:23:30] relieved. And you can see it actually builds, um, a greater blessing for the [00:23:35] night.
[00:23:35] Welcome to my house.
[00:23:38] I mean, it's messy, [00:23:40] but it's not that bad. It's not it's been worse. I think that looks pretty good. Yeah, that's not [00:23:45] This is this is mostly tim's Reminder of me not to [00:23:50] work. Um, it still irritates me I still am like itching to clean up as [00:23:55] soon as it's sundown on saturday and getting all the kids to clean up but [00:24:00] It's such a relief, I think, for our whole family to just have some time to [00:24:05] not have to do chores and just to enjoy each other and get all of our cups out [00:24:10] and shoot dart guns at them.
[00:24:12] And the table's a mess [00:24:15] and apparently somebody brought all their stuffed animals out this day as well. And laundry is still [00:24:20] waiting to be put away. Um, and so that was just, it's [00:24:25] Shabbat, we're gonna stop where we're at and we're just gonna enjoy it. And then the cleanup [00:24:30] afterwards doesn't tend to take that long because our kids are now in a rhythm.
[00:24:34] They understand, they [00:24:35] expect like, hey, we're going to clean this up. So no one's surprised. Turn off the candle, we turn off [00:24:40] our candle because we have too many balls flying around. Have like a lit fire one. So it's battery power. So we turn [00:24:45] off our candle and, and it's, uh, everyone, well, it takes maybe a [00:24:50] half hour.
[00:24:50] And yeah, it's not too bad. So it feels bad in the moment, but it really is not. [00:24:55] Oh, this will go quick. Most times. Oh, then keep [00:25:00] it simple. So, this is, uh, we, um, when we host Open House, uh, [00:25:05] Sabbath, we have, we set up tables and chairs, and, um, we always just do the same meal, [00:25:10] every single time.
[00:25:11] Because it's too much work to reinvent like a wheel. Like what else are we going to [00:25:15] do? It's just a taco bar and it's great because it's gluten free. It's dairy free. It's like whatever free you want it to [00:25:20] be Um, and we just set up a bar up here and every [00:25:25] everyone signs up online We use a website called punchbowl.
[00:25:27] com and everyone's got our rsvps And [00:25:30] and they sign up before this is what i'm going to bring and it's all stuff We provide the meat and everyone everything else is stuff people can buy at [00:25:35] the grocery store just in a bag whether it's the lettuce That's the cheese. It's the chips. It's the You It's also [00:25:40] whatever, you know, on their way over is simple.
[00:25:41] Everyone loves it. And so we're not trying to reinvent it. We just, it's [00:25:45] like the same thing over and over every single week. We've got the same system where our kids [00:25:50] set up the table and chairs. And when we're done eating all the kids know to, fold up the table and chair, take [00:25:55] them out to our garage and the other families who are there also, it was like, we asked them to help us [00:26:00] make the sustainable for us.
[00:26:01] And so by the time the last person leaves, Our floor is [00:26:05] swept, everything's clean, we shut the door behind the last person and we just go to bed. So everything's, everything's [00:26:10] done. So having a good system that keeps it just simple makes it sustainable and enjoyable. [00:26:15] We don't do this every week. No. Um, [00:26:20] in a good season we've done this every other week and, but then we also give [00:26:25] ourselves the freedom to not do it for a couple months and not have anybody over.
[00:26:29] And the [00:26:30] reason why we don't do it more than every other week is because we use that other time to have a [00:26:35] special time with just our family. And when the, when the kids were little, it was also a lot of [00:26:40] training of like, this is how you behave when everybody else is here too. Like, this is what our expectations [00:26:45] are of you.
[00:26:45] And then when we get together with the other families, the other kids are [00:26:50] seeing our kids and they're, Noticing how to behave and they're noticing what's okay [00:26:55] What's not okay when we're here and doing this and what's expected of them. The only other thing I [00:27:00] say is like whether or not you're hosting other families or not Just the principle of keeping it simple So [00:27:05] sustainable for you in life giving and not stressful and something you Forward to something, you know, you feel [00:27:10] confident you can pull off.
[00:27:11] You know, like just having that, uh, simplicity makes I think [00:27:15] simpler if I'm gonna keep repeating myself to do. Um, but makes it so like [00:27:20] you'll be more likely to actually do it instead of thinking like, oh, that's too much. I can't do that. We'll do it [00:27:25] next week instead and push it off. Okay. I did have a couple more things.
[00:27:28] Um, so even when it's just [00:27:30] our family, we're only using paper products. Our oldest is 14, our youngest is six. [00:27:35] It's just way easier to still not have to have anyone do dishes, and so we can just [00:27:40] throw most of the stuff away and put away food. Um, the other thing that I [00:27:45] noticed with hosting other families is people love to be helpful.
[00:27:49] And so, [00:27:50] when they're coming into the house, even for the first time, they might feel a little nervous. Some people feel, [00:27:55] um, more at ease if they have a task to do. And so I usually try to [00:28:00] plan ahead. And this is again, doing this for a while, I think of different things. Like [00:28:05] what can I give to somebody when they come in and they ask for help?
[00:28:07] If you're going to come into my house and you're going to [00:28:10] ask, Hey, how can I help you? I will give you something to do. So don't ask unless you [00:28:15] actually want to help. Um, and sometimes it's. I don't have an idea in [00:28:20] my head right now, but I'm doing something, so I'm going to let you take over what I'm doing.
[00:28:23] So then I can clear my [00:28:25] brain space to be able to figure out what's next on the list of what needs to get done. And then with [00:28:30] cleaning up, um, I don't know, I don't know if it's just our people are amazing that we [00:28:35] have over at our house, most of them are natural cleaners. Well, some of them we have not. One cleaned up [00:28:40] first time she was at our house and I was like, Oh, you're staying.[00:28:45]
[00:28:45] But then others, we train our kids, the kids know like, after dinner's over, they usually go play [00:28:50] for a little bit, but then there's a time to break down the tables and everything, so I'll ring all the kids in, we [00:28:55] have a dinner bell that we call them back in to come and clean up. And, um, all the [00:29:00] teenagers and even the elementary kids.
[00:29:01] Kids will, um, take all the chairs and take the tables back out to [00:29:05] the garage and the parents are usually, moms are usually helping, um, put food away and everything, but [00:29:10] everybody pitches in and cleans up and it's wonderful to be able to say goodbye to [00:29:15] everybody in your house. Sometimes looks better than it did when they arrived.
[00:29:19] [00:29:20] Another thing, um, with keeping it simple and just, like, planning the meal, um, again, like, [00:29:25] be okay with doing the same meal every week, especially when you have younger kids, because they're not super picky, [00:29:30] so it might be spaghetti every single family meal, or we did roasted chickens, [00:29:35] um, for a while, because It sounds elegant, but it's literally just put some salt and pepper and throw it in [00:29:40] the oven for a little bit and easy peasy.
[00:29:42] Um, and the other thing that we always [00:29:45] did to make it special, um, we're one of those weirdo families that tries not to do a lot of dessert [00:29:50] or, um, pop throughout the week. Um, and so that's what they get at special meal. So we [00:29:55] have dessert and the special drink early on was chocolate milk or apple juice.
[00:29:59] [00:30:00] Um, the rest of the week is water. So it feels like really high end when they get this [00:30:05] like drink and that just like ups it for a cost of nothing basically. Awesome. [00:30:10] So, time, if there are, I don't know, Joe, wherever you [00:30:15] are. Do we, we want to do q and a or Yeah, we, yeah. We wanna do QA , [00:30:20] but first yeah. As, as you guys have questions, we want to pelt these guys.
[00:30:24] [00:30:25] Yeah. Yeah. So if you have any. Any questions at all about how to pull [00:30:30] this off, how to start this, uh, yeah, please, go for it. Yeah, anything [00:30:35] in the why, the how, or the what is cool. So, we're struggling [00:30:40] with, um, we do a Friday night into, so Friday evening into [00:30:45] Saturday evening. Um, but what we often find is we have church on [00:30:50] Sunday and then, you know, after Saturday evening, you don't really feel like just turning on work [00:30:55] mode and then Sunday church goes long.
[00:30:57] It feels like it ends up being [00:31:00] all Saturday and all Sunday. And how do you structure and help with it? [00:31:05] Not just bleeding over into all of Sunday and not getting anything. [00:31:10] That's a great question. We've really we've wrestled with this too. [00:31:15] Because we, for a long time, didn't do Sunday church stuff. And [00:31:20] then that happened like four years ago or three years ago.
[00:31:23] We were like, Oh my gosh, [00:31:25] exactly what you're describing happened to us. Um, [00:31:30] and I think, I mean, there is no one size fits all reality, [00:31:35] but one thought we are one thing we had is really [00:31:40] being specific on an end. And then having a, [00:31:45] uh, the same way that the experience of [00:31:50] that time is set apart and specific, being sure there's a clear [00:31:55] cutoff, even, and it might take six months or a year for that rhythm to [00:32:00] kind of set itself in your being, but for instance, that's when we blow [00:32:05] out that candle.
[00:32:05] Um, that's when we, uh, [00:32:10] kind of, we'll purposely clean up. And kind of go into, we have house [00:32:15] help, Sunday house help, but we actually, it's actually Saturday night house help. [00:32:20] Um, so, but yeah, anytime you're going to have an event that's weekly on a [00:32:25] Sunday that is taking you away from work, it's going to have that inevitable feeling of [00:32:30] like, whoa, is this just a longer Sabbath time?
[00:32:34] Um, [00:32:35] So that, that is a tough one. Yeah, um, we, I remember another family having [00:32:40] that same issue and they chose to actually shift to a Saturday night meal instead [00:32:45] just to help with that. Um, that's not how we chose to do it. I think for us, again, having the [00:32:50] candle physically and we don't even do this big like okay everybody come back together and let's blow out the candle [00:32:55] but the candle sits pretty prominently on one of our counters and it's, at some point we blow it out and we [00:33:00] start working and that signifies to our kids like Hey, it's, it's Saturday night, but I'm [00:33:05] throwing in a load of laundry.
[00:33:06] I'm doing the dishes that have been sitting out or whatever. And know that when we [00:33:10] wake up tomorrow morning, um, we have an hour before we're heading to church. So what can you get done [00:33:15] by then? Um, and if you're not doing anything before then, then right when we get home, we're all changing [00:33:20] clothes and getting going, I think it really starts with us kind of like leading that.
[00:33:24] Yeah, and that, [00:33:25] that idea of being, it's actually a mindset shift from my childhood to [00:33:30] make Sunday different from what I grew up with. Sunday was like [00:33:35] fudge on the couch and watch golf or something day, right? And instead [00:33:40] the only time of the day that's different is when we are at the worship service [00:33:45] place.
[00:33:46] Some people call that a church. And so [00:33:50] that's, that's how we do it. We work in the morning before we leave. And we work in [00:33:55] the afternoon when we get back. And it's just pretty obvious that we're going to set that tone. So that's a thought. [00:34:00] You guys want to meet? Our chores start right away after dinner on Saturday.
[00:34:03] And so everybody's like [00:34:05] back to their regular rhythm with that. Um, and then Sundays, we have a list. We have a [00:34:10] whiteboard in our front. I think it was supposed to be the dining room for the house, but we made it into an [00:34:15] office. So we have a big whiteboard that we go together and we write all of our to dos.
[00:34:19] [00:34:20] for Sunday. Um, so that the next day when they're getting done after service, [00:34:25] um, everybody, we, I think we usually assign to, um, [00:34:30] the lowest denominator, whatever the youngest kid can do. We give them those [00:34:35] jobs and then go from there. Cleaning up on Saturday night helps, but then it's, uh, one of the [00:34:40] ways that helps me rest is, um, Throughout Sabbath, I'll be like, Ooh, I got to do this.
[00:34:44] Oh, I got to do that. [00:34:45] Like, and, and so we just go to the right board. I write it down and it's out of my head and I know I don't have to think about it [00:34:50] anymore. So it helps me relax. But then Saturday night, I'm like, okay, who's doing what planning it out. [00:34:55] Some of these I can crank out before I go to bed.
[00:34:56] And, and so it was really service starts to feel like an [00:35:00] interruption to me. Then it does like another restful thing. So What [00:35:05] else?
[00:35:06] Yes. Can you throw out [00:35:10] some more ideas for, um, like, tasking [00:35:15] the, your upper generations? Yeah, so there, there was [00:35:20] ideas for giving roles. Yeah, Yeah, no, you're good. Uh, to [00:35:25] the older generations. So this is assuming they're present, um, [00:35:30] right? So, assuming that the elder, the elders in your family are present. What are some [00:35:35] ideas around giving them roles?
[00:35:37] Or another way of thinking about is an identity [00:35:40] within the family at that, that meal. Um, so again, one that was already stated [00:35:45] was to let them declare over the youth at the, at the table, [00:35:50] like what is true, um, blessing them. That's one, uh, [00:35:55] obviously I would say anything that they actually can be doing with their [00:36:00] hands.
[00:36:00] I mean, let, let, from legitimately. Helping prepare to [00:36:05] set the table, depending on their arrival time and how it all works, um, [00:36:10] giving a role of any sort is It shifts [00:36:15] someone's engagement for sure. Yeah. Um, when my kids were [00:36:20] younger and like couldn't really help out with the meal or couldn't really clean or do anything on their [00:36:25] own, um, I think it was like around three or three o'clock we kind of would stop whatever we were doing, [00:36:30] whatever fun or school we were doing and say, okay, now it's time to get ready for this.
[00:36:33] And I would [00:36:35] walk them through with me the best I could. year old can, um, [00:36:40] cleanin up things and like making like, we're just cleaning like, okay, we're [00:36:45] getting tonight and we're gonna g So what do you think we s [00:36:50] trying to engage them in that way so that then when they were older a couple years down the road, [00:36:55] um, I could actually assign specific tasks or chores like, okay, you're gonna sweep the floor, [00:37:00] you're gonna make sure that all the random junk on the counter is put away, you're gonna make sure that the sink [00:37:05] is, uh, emptied so that we have a space to put new dishes, and generally the youngest is the one that [00:37:10] gets to decorate the table because that was an easier job for them.
[00:37:12] Um, so that's kind of how I would [00:37:15] incorporate them into like the pregame. You guys have any thoughts? [00:37:20] You guys want to add anything to that?
[00:37:22] Um, something we've done a lot of our [00:37:25] parents is ask them to share stories. Um, so, it can [00:37:30] be something really practical, like, at the top of the nerve family. Like, I remember to me when I [00:37:35] did that in first five, or like, burn charbide bite. So we would ask the [00:37:40] grandparents, Did you get a bite from Marissa?
[00:37:41] How old were you on the charbide bite? And like, so [00:37:45] something they ask them, Well, my dad got so into it that he would come prepared. [00:37:50] Um, and he, sometimes he'd have pictures printed out that he had copied. He'd have a copy for [00:37:55] everyone, and he'd pass it around the school. And he would tell a story about whatever it was.
[00:37:59] So, [00:38:00] um, some of them get more into it than others. You know, when all of our kids are aging, [00:38:05] they want to share, but they also, and you don't know if it's [00:38:10] okay, or if the kids are going to listen. That became part of our screening of our appliesia. That is [00:38:15] such an important lesson. If grandma starts talking, stop talking.
[00:38:18] So learning might have like [00:38:20] one conversation at a table. Even though, you know, the table gets longer and [00:38:25] longer. Um, in order to honor the speaker. So sometimes that's like an assignment that's [00:38:30] asked like, Oh, my mother in law, it was her mother's birthday. So she'll come and [00:38:35] like have something she wants to say about her mother.
[00:38:37] So for my kids, that's their great [00:38:40] grandmother, right? Great, great. And so they're hearing a [00:38:45] story. So our parents stand like five generations, right? The five or six generations. So [00:38:50] pulling those stories into the kids, um, could be a [00:38:55] fun. Yeah. And I would say the final thing, this isn't so much, [00:39:00] this is more like conceptually, but pre gaming with them.
[00:39:03] So like, Hey, [00:39:05] dad, I'm gonna tonight at dinner. I'm going to ask you [00:39:10] to bless the kids or I'm going to, so anything you do think of, just think of [00:39:15] how you would like to be treated, right? Like don't fling something on somebody. Um, and like, [00:39:20] you know, if, if your dad was bringing pictures, he obviously knew that there was a call for action [00:39:25] coming for that event.
[00:39:26] So just, yeah, I would just say, think about what [00:39:30] is happening at your meal and then anything you can delegate to [00:39:35] them Cast vision for them of why and then ask them to [00:39:40] participate in that way and see if they like it and rinse and repeat or [00:39:45] try to grow from there on that on that concept. Can you expand on [00:39:50] declaring over the children? Yeah. Yeah. The question was, or the comment was [00:39:55] expand on declaring the declare side. The word we [00:40:00] use is bless. Um, and the way I, I think about that is if I'm going to, if this is going [00:40:05] to be a culture builder, this is one of the tools to take [00:40:10] back the away from the hurry and away from the separation.
[00:40:13] Then I want to [00:40:15] speak true things and aspirational things over my kids [00:40:20] that if we're honest, as much as I want to be dad of the year [00:40:25] on a random Tuesday, I forget to do. Right? [00:40:30] So all it is is like, what, in essence, what would an awesome dad do with his [00:40:35] kids anytime he was with them? Probably not what I do, but [00:40:40] the same way that I may not tell the gospel story every day to my kids, [00:40:45] and I may not tell the historical, like [00:40:50] what God has done in our family every day, as much as I wish I did or [00:40:55] something the same way I don't look, I look at my kids every.
[00:40:59] [00:41:00] It's funny how this happens, so we've done a few different iterations, but about five years [00:41:05] ago or six years ago I shifted to the following. This is this is exactly what I do. So I'll just do [00:41:10] it. I look each kid in the eye Got five of them [00:41:15] and I say Titus Preston [00:41:20] So first name middle name, I don't know why but I do Titus Preston.
[00:41:24] I love you [00:41:25] I'm for you And I'm proud of you[00:41:30]
[00:41:33] And they just naturally [00:41:35] repeated that back. We didn't force them. The funny part was like, I was just trying to tell them [00:41:40] that. And I don't know which kid I did, probably Everett. I don't know if she was the oldest. And the [00:41:45] very first time I did it, she just repeated it back to me. I was like, you're not supposed to do that.[00:41:50]
[00:41:50] But then I was like, whoa. That's all. Oh, [00:41:55] she's. I mean, hopefully they're not just, you know, repeating it and they mean it, [00:42:00] but like, my kids are looking at me every week and saying, I love you. I'm for [00:42:05] you. I'm proud of you.[00:42:10]
[00:42:10] And I think if we're all admitted, like that means a lot [00:42:15] that we're not sometimes as men, particularly, we're probably like, yo, we don't need that from our kids. [00:42:20] But, man, like every week. So, and then, so, I love you, I'm [00:42:25] for you, I'm proud of you. Uh, and then I just, [00:42:30] honestly, just pray over my kids. So, I get them together.
[00:42:34] Again, sometimes it's [00:42:35] girls, sometimes boys separately, but I will just speak what's on my heart for [00:42:40] my children, whatever God is leading me toward. It, it changes [00:42:45] every week, but usually something to the impact of. That they will follow [00:42:50] Jesus with all their heart and that they will walk in his ways and that they [00:42:55] will love and and care for this family and their family for [00:43:00] generations to come like some version of that in many different ways and different things.
[00:43:04] But [00:43:05] that's what I do every week because I think about like this. I'm like, [00:43:10] at least once a week, I'm looking my kids in the eye and telling them [00:43:15] something that is true about them. And communicating what I want to be true [00:43:20] for them. That's how I think about it. Similar to that, we didn't talk [00:43:25] a ton about this, but the whole repenting part for our family is really big as well.
[00:43:29] Um, [00:43:30] we would like to think that when we have wronged somebody that we would naturally on our own go and repent [00:43:35] to them. Right. But, um, a lot of times that's really difficult to do and it's really humbling. So by [00:43:40] creating a specific time and place. It simplifies that [00:43:45] experience and not just for our kids to each other or kids to us, but also for Rhett [00:43:50] and myself to each other.
[00:43:51] Um, often if Rhett and I need to repent, we're usually doing it in that [00:43:55] pre dinner drink time. Um, but here's what's important. We always make sure we let the [00:44:00] kids in on knowing that we repent into one another because a lot of times they're seeing the junk [00:44:05] that happened that needed the repentance. Um, so sometimes they see us actually modeling it [00:44:10] if it waits until then.
[00:44:11] But Um, usually in that, again, pre dinner time, we're trying to set our [00:44:15] hearts right, um, and then when we're all together, giving them an opportunity to set their hearts right [00:44:20] with each other. And it sounds really great, it may be once a month [00:44:25] somebody steps in and actually uses that moment, um, but it's there, right?
[00:44:29] We [00:44:30] didn't just skip over it. One of the things that's been deepening in me, my beliefs about [00:44:35] what is a blessing, and without getting too far into it, I believe that when I read [00:44:40] blessings in scripture, usually it's, um, someone is laying their hands on someone, [00:44:45] think of like maybe in this case, uh, Isaac blessing Jacob and, and uh, [00:44:50] And so they're transferring something that they actually [00:44:55] possess, like something's actually transferring, and two, they have the authority to transfer it.
[00:44:59] And so when I lay [00:45:00] my hands on my sons, and I bless them, what I'm thinking is like, what do I have that I [00:45:05] can give to them? Give what like I can transfer and especially into the character traits and qualities. [00:45:10] So courageousness, brave, um, be a leader, uh, whatever, you know, and so [00:45:15] these are things that I am intentionally trying to grow and develop in myself so that when I lay my [00:45:20] hands on my sons and then I pray and I say, Ask the Lord to bless them with these things.
[00:45:24] [00:45:25] I, I'm like, do I have the authority? And then can I actually transfer these things to, to [00:45:30] my, to my kids? And so I do pray over them aspirationally. Like, this is what I want. Hope is true [00:45:35] for you one day. Um, not saying like that we don't do that. But, um, the [00:45:40] blessing for me is something like I've been working on acquiring this skill or this character trait so that I [00:45:45] can pass it off to you.
[00:45:46] So something spiritual when it transfers, like you are now [00:45:50] ahead. Somehow than when you were before, and so it puts a lot of responsibility on me. I feel as the father to [00:45:55] really work towards acquiring those skills and those attributes. I can do that. Yeah. [00:46:00] And that holds to a principle. Like I I'm a teacher by trade.
[00:46:04] So [00:46:05] one of the things I think about a lot is like, what needs to be true for people to [00:46:10] become the thing that you're trying to get them to become, right? I'm like, how do you reproduce [00:46:15] something? Um, and I just believe this at a 10, you need to be saying it [00:46:20] and showing it constantly. So the hope is that our life [00:46:25] shows these things.
[00:46:26] If not, repent and get back in line. [00:46:30] But what we tend to fail to do is [00:46:35] speak positive realities that, that man, that we can manifest that way [00:46:40] as a, in lots of our words are negative, they're corrective in their nature. So I just like, let's [00:46:45] take an opportunity to be positive and aspirational there.
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