HouseCraft 7 - Session 1 FINAL
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[00:00:41] One thing, as we get started here, we're going to talk [00:00:45] about vehicles. And values. Vehicles are going to be the [00:00:50] specific stories that we're going to share, specific ways that we have implemented these things in [00:00:55] our lives, or how we've heard them implemented, modeled after other people. Some of [00:01:00] these things you're going to say, that doesn't apply to me or that doesn't actually fit with how God's made us or our [00:01:05] circumstance and our unique place.
[00:01:07] And so we want to just challenge you, whatever the [00:01:10] vehicle is, there's always a greater value. So if you don't resonate with the [00:01:15] vehicle that we're sharing, see if you can resonate with the value and make it your own expression. The [00:01:20] other reason I share that is because as we've taken this journey, especially the past five years, we look at [00:01:25] other families and we hear what they're doing and it's easy to feel a little, um, Condemnation or frustration, like, [00:01:30] Oh, we're not like those, this family, or I wish we were doing it like that.
[00:01:34] And there's easy to [00:01:35] kind of beat ourselves up. And so I just don't want to give the enemy any room for that. I just want to encourage you, whatever is [00:01:40] here, try to grasp at the value behind the stories. And here possibly [00:01:45] maybe God is going to can do, or is doing something similar at the value level for you.
[00:01:49] [00:01:50] Well, Michelle's actually going to share a lot more a little bit later. We do these housecrafts where we break them up into two [00:01:55] parts. Where we do, like, a 30 minute talk on the concept, and then we have dinner and hang out, and [00:02:00] then we'll break into Uh, top ten tips on how we've implemented this or [00:02:05] what we've seen, what's worked, what, how we'd encourage.
[00:02:07] And so we're gonna, uh, Brent and Katie [00:02:10] are gonna be here a little bit later, they're gonna give five tips, we're gonna give ours. Uh, and Michelle's gonna be [00:02:15] speaking the majority of that time, so. Alright, so my first question [00:02:20] for you is what type of family Are you building? [00:02:25] And that might be an odd question.
[00:02:28] It might be, [00:02:30] like what Brent was saying, like what type of gold are you buying? Or what type of, where you might only think [00:02:35] there's one type of something. And I know growing up, I really didn't know about types of families. [00:02:40] I just knew that there was maybe good families and [00:02:45] other families that I didn't, so the really only choice I knew growing up in the 90s is I [00:02:50] was, didn't, didn't know.
[00:02:50] Didn't want to have a family, like, I loved Al Bundy in some ways, or at least I do now, [00:02:55] uh, but I didn't, this is kind of the family that I knew I just didn't want to have. Outside of that, I didn't know what else [00:03:00] about family. I just knew I just didn't want a bad family, or, and so, [00:03:05] when I met Michelle, zooming ahead, What I thought we started our [00:03:10] family, we, we didn't, what type of family was I building?
[00:03:14] I don't know. I just [00:03:15] know that this is a beautiful girl and I knew that God had captured my heart and I just wanted to [00:03:20] have an impactful family. We were building a missional family, impactful. That's what we [00:03:25] were all about. That's the type of family that we were prioritizing. And so this is a little bit of our story.
[00:03:29] We [00:03:30] met in Mexico city. 22 years ago. We've now got four kids. [00:03:35] We call ourselves Team Tigerman now, and um, on our [00:03:40] journey actually five years ago. We had a big shift and we actually [00:03:45] went to the family teams conference here in Cincinnati. And that's when we, I had [00:03:50] actually known Jeremy from about five years earlier.
[00:03:52] I had been at his office [00:03:55] and one thing that was really odd for me was that he had his kids with him at his office. He [00:04:00] had like a hundred person company, a Pifio downtown. Uh, Tim was probably there at the time, or it was probably [00:04:05] before Tim got there, but it was a, uh, and they, the kids would just Present his kid, [00:04:10] especially his son, Jackson, which was really interesting.
[00:04:12] Jeremy would be leading a meeting with about 12 other [00:04:15] people. And Jackson would be there at the table playing with his pocket knife. And like, [00:04:20] I'm like, this is a little awkward, Jeremy. You're like, your son's has a weapon. [00:04:25] And, and he would periodically, he mostly would just hang out and listen, but [00:04:30] sometimes he would speak right into the meeting.
[00:04:32] And, and so, but Jeremy treated his son, [00:04:35] his 12 year old son at the time as like an asset, like he was [00:04:40] actually a significant value to him and there, he had And he [00:04:45] had, and I, I'd always seen, like I had four kids at the time. And so I'd always valued my kids. I think I was a good [00:04:50] dad, but I, it was just a different perspective.
[00:04:52] And so fast forward to this night, this is when [00:04:55] us and a few of our friends went to the conference and we really started to hear this concept for the first [00:05:00] time. And there were some big shifts that we started to make. And so first I want to [00:05:05] share with you that we're going to frame tonight, kind of two types of families.
[00:05:09] [00:05:10] And one is like the default type, and this is the nest. [00:05:15] Model and what we you hear this shared over and are often when you think of [00:05:20] the stories in our culture the nest model a good family is like [00:05:25] a good nest is that you raise up the little chickadees from an egg to a Bird [00:05:30] and then you give them all the nutrients they need you you prepare them and it one day [00:05:35] You push them out of the nest and they fly off and you either see them [00:05:40] sink and fall and or you see them fly off But they ultimately go and they build [00:05:45] other nests and so they start another Family nest and [00:05:50] they go and they meet and they move and they start again and this [00:05:55] Essentially is something that has more of a short term vision.
[00:05:58] It really lasts [00:06:00] For one generation, if you think about your parents probably sent you out and then the [00:06:05] next family started and it kind of moves on with a new mission, potentially [00:06:10] a new calling or a new place, and it was very much an individualistic [00:06:15] mindset to it, you know, and where individual success actually matters more than the [00:06:20] team.
[00:06:20] If you think of like the goal of the nest is that this each bird becomes a healthy [00:06:25] adult bird and can. Kind of go off, and that's how you measure success. [00:06:30] And what this one was really, is really interesting, if you think about it, if I add seven more [00:06:35] birds here, how do you think those existing birds feel of the nest?[00:06:40]
[00:06:40] Not too happy, right? It's like, there's less worm. Like, less room. It's kind of like if [00:06:45] we invited a hundred other people tonight, right? You look around the room. First off, how awesome [00:06:50] is this? We're at max capacity, huh? Never sold out an event before. So thank you all for this is [00:06:55] awesome. But same concept where if we have a nest model, the nest model essentially is like [00:07:00] the more people, the less value you actually want, less people, you [00:07:05] enjoy things more, you have more resources or in a way there's consumerism.
[00:07:09] [00:07:10] You consume less. I love thinking of this as pizzas. if I order a pizza for your family, do [00:07:15] you want more people in your family or less? Bottom line. [00:07:20] If you hear that the neighbor across the street is coming to kick [00:07:25] your butt, and you're going to war, do you want a bigger family or a smaller family, [00:07:30] right?
[00:07:30] At that moment, it all depends on what, what the goal is. And so, if [00:07:35] your goal is to, you know, is to protect, and ultimately, uh, [00:07:40] consume and, and, and, Then you're going to want the nest model. What's interesting is really over the past 200 [00:07:45] years, we're seeing this huge development in our culture. And really probably since [00:07:50] even the 1950s, you're seeing this accelerated, but this, what we consider is option one [00:07:55] as a, how to, as what a family is this nest model.
[00:07:58] It's actually really new. [00:08:00] And it might be the only thing we know, or it was definitely the only thing I knew, [00:08:05] but it's actually really recent. And one of the big epidemics is the disconnect of fathers. Like, [00:08:10] fathers don't really resonate with the nest model. Fathers aren't that [00:08:15] great at sitting on eggs.
[00:08:16] Some of us are, some of us are better at that, but most of us [00:08:20] struggle. Most fathers struggle to actually be able to be present and like connect. You [00:08:25] typically fathers are crafted to build, to have vision, to go. And so we tend to do [00:08:30] that outside the home because we don't really find ways to do that inside the home.[00:08:35]
[00:08:35] And ultimately these nests are not typically led by anyone. And so. [00:08:40] Uh, I love this illustration because this, when I heard Jeremy talk about the nest, it was like an eye [00:08:45] opening experience for me because I was like, I didn't know there was another option. And this illustration is [00:08:50] about these two, uh, two fish swimming along one day, and they're completely [00:08:55] engulfed in water, but they're not aware of it.
[00:08:57] And the old fish shows up and says, how's the [00:09:00] water today, boys? And they're like, uh, uh, this weird guy's [00:09:05] talking to us and they keep swimming. About 10 minutes later, the young fish looks over at his buddy and he just [00:09:10] says, What the heck is water? And he didn't [00:09:15] realize that he was in water. And not only he was in water, water [00:09:20] created all of his Engagement of the world is entire worldview is based on [00:09:25] this one component, which is water, and he didn't even know it existed and much of what I [00:09:30] think of what we think of family oftentimes is built around this default model that we [00:09:35] don't even realize there's choices out here.
[00:09:36] We don't even realize there's options of the type of family that we [00:09:40] are to build. And so option number two here, this is more the ancient [00:09:45] model. And so if you think about this model, this is less like a nest and more like a team [00:09:50] and a team in the, in the biblical analogy here are the ancient, not [00:09:55] just in the Bible, but every historical ancient culture would have a [00:10:00] family that looked a lot more like a team where children actually were considered a, [00:10:05] that's the greatest form of wealth.
[00:10:06] You know, we, we see, we joke with like If you've [00:10:10] ever any, if you have a couple of kids in our society and people ask you, like, how many kids you got [00:10:15] for, Oh, that's expensive. You know, it's like the first thing out of their mind. It's [00:10:20] not, Oh, wow. You're a wealthy man. You know, it's not seen as you're a blessed man.
[00:10:24] It's often seen [00:10:25] as that's expensive. And that sounds tiring, which is not [00:10:30] inaccurate. Um, so. But the ancient model, though, [00:10:35] has always valued a bigger team. And so, and now, they [00:10:40] tend to have a long term vision, spanning multiple generations, not just one [00:10:45] and done, it's actually, they go after bigger things that actually take longer than a single [00:10:50] generation can accomplish.
[00:10:52] And the team matters more than individual [00:10:55] success. And we're used to this. We see that component in some parts of our culture, like just teams [00:11:00] alone in football, we don't like stat patterns. You don't like the guys that are out there that aren't [00:11:05] really going for the team, but are just focused on getting their own stats or you wouldn't, you wouldn't [00:11:10] consider that guy a team player.
[00:11:12] So here with the team. A bigger [00:11:15] team is more value. A bigger army is more value. It's not the pizza concept. It's the army [00:11:20] concept. You want a bigger army if there's a battle to fight. If there's a mission to [00:11:25] accomplish. And so, instead of consumers, it creates contributors. Where [00:11:30] if you have a team mindset, it actually creates a mindset that says, let's go build something like you [00:11:35] matter.
[00:11:35] You have an important role to play. One is a poverty mindset, which says there's a [00:11:40] limited number of resources and we don't want to share them because there's such a limit. The [00:11:45] other is an abundance mindset that says there's, there's enough resources. God's [00:11:50] got the owns the cattle on a thousand Hills. So like, if he's calling us here, he's going to provide [00:11:55] exponentially.
[00:11:56] And so we actually get to be contributors. [00:12:00] And again, this was the only family model up until a couple hundred years ago. That's where it's, it's [00:12:05] hard to see the water around us because it's all we know, but it's important for us to be around [00:12:10] other models and other examples. And. Historically, ancient [00:12:15] families would have a deeper connection of the father and the mother, the patriarch, the matriarch, [00:12:20] the, the, the, they would connect the generations much more.
[00:12:23] And we know that, we know we don't [00:12:25] value our older generations here. It's a problem. It's like, we have an entire [00:12:30] industry devoted to what we do with our ancestors. because we don't know how to value. We [00:12:35] celebrate the 22 year old. It's like the apex of life. [00:12:40] You know, if you think about when it comes to fitness or if it comes to, you know, just social [00:12:45] status, or it's like, it's this apex.
[00:12:47] And I definitely see this now as I'm trying to do young life and things with [00:12:50] my kids, these kids don't think I'm cool at all. I've got nothing to give in these interactions and their minds. [00:12:55] And it's hilarious, but it's true. It's like, we just don't see the value in [00:13:00] these, and we don't have the connection.
[00:13:02] And often, teams, great teams, like historical [00:13:05] families, ancient families, would be led by a patriarch or a matriarch that has the vision. [00:13:10] So, uh, and really, We're here to just charge you with [00:13:15] that you have a choice and that [00:13:20] each decision you make, there are, there's intentionality that has repercussions [00:13:25] and just like a, you know, if you go work with a financial [00:13:30] advisor, you call up Jeff, where's Jeff at, there he is, you call up Jeff and you're like, Hey, I need you, I [00:13:35] need to make a bunch of money.
[00:13:36] And Jeff, what are you going to ask me? Just going to say, okay, [00:13:40] do you need to make a bunch of money by like 2040 or [00:13:45] by December 14th? Like I need, I need a bunch of money in 30 days. You're going to give me [00:13:50] very different strategies if I'm going after a short term. Creation of [00:13:55] value versus a long term.
[00:13:56] And if I'm patient and I'm going to play in the long game, [00:14:00] there's a lot of powerful strategies that you can unlock in there for me. And so that's what really, [00:14:05] we're just trying to show you the family team model tonight, that at least for a few of us [00:14:10] and those who are kind of leading this component, this has changed our lives.
[00:14:14] And we see [00:14:15] a, we see a mini army of family teams popping up around the city. And [00:14:20] I think like the priors, Jeremy and April prior have had a significant role in that of kind of [00:14:25] simplifying this message down and kind of making it available to us. And so we just are trying to share [00:14:30] that with each of you tonight.
[00:14:33] Feel free to stop me or add in. [00:14:35] Okay, good. All right. So we're going to talk about the first family mission, the first [00:14:40] family team on mission. Essentially, if you go to Genesis. Genesis 1, my [00:14:45] two favorite verses in the Old Testament. It's basically, what is a [00:14:50] man? Or woman, what are, man and woman, and what are they here for?
[00:14:53] What's the mission? What's their [00:14:55] identity? What's their calling? What's their mission? And we see it in these two verses. In Genesis [00:15:00] 1, 27, it says, So God created mankind in His own image. In the image of [00:15:05] God, He created them, male and female, He created them. God blessed [00:15:10] them and said, Be fruitful and increase in number.
[00:15:12] Fill the earth and subdue it. [00:15:15] Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves [00:15:20] on the ground. So he gives them five things here. The first is that he, [00:15:25] the first family team is called to be God's image bearer. [00:15:30] Literally look like God and demonstrate what God acts like, sounds like, his character to [00:15:35] the rest of the world.
[00:15:36] You're supposed to be his picture. And then you're supposed to do these [00:15:40] four things. You're supposed to be fruitful, multiply, subdue, and [00:15:45] rule. Which means, be fruitful, go create value. Be fruitful, whatever you do, create [00:15:50] fruit. A tree is meant to create fruit. And then, multiply, make more [00:15:55] of you. Not just fruit, go make more of you.
[00:15:57] That's awesome, and have fun doing it. [00:16:00] And then he would say, subdue. Subdue means take chaotic things and turn them into order. [00:16:05] And really when God showed up in the, it's, you know, um, in the [00:16:10] beginning, uh, there was just this vast nothingness and it was water and God took, that's a [00:16:15] form of chaos and God took and created order the same way that you or I, when we take a, [00:16:20] um, if it's a messy room.
[00:16:23] Chaos and you put it [00:16:25] into order or if you're training kids or building a business or anything that you're [00:16:30] creating your job is to take the chaos and Subdue it and turn it into order and then rule [00:16:35] is the fourth or the fifth and final piece here is that rule go lead Go literally [00:16:40] rule, continue to lead in the environment that I place you in.
[00:16:43] So be fruitful, [00:16:45] multiply, subdue, and rule. And I would say if you're looking for a family mission statement, that's it. [00:16:50] Hands down. Your family mission statement might have more than that, but it definitely won't, shouldn't have less. [00:16:55] And that, that is the core commandment when God said, like, he created him [00:17:00] and then he said, be my image bearer, be fruitful, multiply, subdue, and rule.
[00:17:03] And that ripples. [00:17:05] So we're still carrying on that. You're still a part of this family team. You know, you're [00:17:10] a downstream generation to that family team. That's your great, great, great, great, great grandparents. [00:17:15] You're a part of that. That's pretty awesome. All right. [00:17:20] Now my grandpa was a house builder. He actually built tons of [00:17:25] houses all around Western Pennsylvania.
[00:17:26] I didn't know any of this and I didn't, I definitely didn't appreciate it. [00:17:30] I actually thought when I, when Jeremy started capturing my heart on this family team thing, I was going to [00:17:35] be this Abrahamic generation, like the one that starts and does all like the first, but [00:17:40] actually I've been humbled quite a bit that actually there's been some Abrahams before me that I'm not just, [00:17:45] The first one starting here and so it's a lot of humility when we look [00:17:50] back, but for me, this is awesome.
[00:17:51] He actually built houses from end to end and so I'm just going to do [00:17:55] a rapid fire, like I, I just started to think through it today. What are all the steps in building a house? [00:18:00] You know, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And so you got to have someone who's got the vision. You've got [00:18:05] someone who has to acquire the resources, make the money, and then go buy the property.
[00:18:09] Design the [00:18:10] architecture, break the ground, lay the foundation, frame the structure, drywall, [00:18:15] electrical, plumbing, interior decorating, and then move in! And then the enjoyment [00:18:20] happens. But think about how long that's going to take. And some people have specialties. [00:18:25] You know, if you have a team, if you're a general contractor, most of the time, you're going to hire different teams for each and every one of [00:18:30] these steps.
[00:18:30] Now, imagine in your family that your generation, [00:18:35] your entire, like what you consider as a generation of the family you're building right [00:18:40] now, what if you're only responsible for one of those? What if [00:18:45] you're just the plumber? And so you are literally [00:18:50] building on top of a foundation that's been laid and been, [00:18:55] uh, protected in the baton that's been passed on for generations.
[00:18:59] And you [00:19:00] also, you care a lot that it actually gets over the finish line. [00:19:05] You care a lot that, hey, you want to make sure that you pass that baton properly to the interior [00:19:10] decorator. I probably missed like 12 steps. Don't, don't make fun of me. Uh, this is why I can't do house projects [00:19:15] very well. A little ADHD on the list.
[00:19:16] Okay. So, but you're probably care a lot about this [00:19:20] getting over the line. It's a team effort, just like a relay team. And so [00:19:25] we want to think differently. Imagine yourself, you're partnering with previous generations. [00:19:30] And you're partnering with future generations, downstream generations, and that's how this [00:19:35] whole thing works.
[00:19:36] Here's another example. Look at this. Can someone read this [00:19:40] to me? Go for it, Mike. Too far. Okay. [00:19:45] This is the genealogy of [00:19:50] Jesus. Is anybody a big fan of Jesus? Right? If you think of Jesus, you think of the [00:19:55] mission that Jesus is on. Actually, when I started following Jesus, all I knew [00:20:00] was this, Overnight success called Jesus.
[00:20:04] All [00:20:05] I knew was Jesus. I didn't realize that he was actually a part of this big family team, a [00:20:10] multi generational family team on mission. I didn't realize that this was actually God [00:20:15] taking many generations to bring about an incredible thing. So I just show [00:20:20] this to you because this is how God works. God, this is 39 [00:20:25] generations from Abraham to the generation of Jesus.
[00:20:29] Such a [00:20:30] beautiful picture. And so, I know I'm sure Michelle's saying, move [00:20:35] along Mark, move along. Alright, a multi generational family team on mission. This is the core [00:20:40] definition of a family team. It's got a couple different pieces here. The first is multi [00:20:45] generational, which I just talked about. We have to partner, and you have to view this.
[00:20:49] How [00:20:50] old will your, let's say if you have a child, how old will your oldest child be in 30 years? [00:20:55] Visualize it right now.[00:21:00]
[00:21:01] Say it out, give me a number. [00:21:05] 30s, 40s, yeah. So now, what about two generations out? Think about it. How old [00:21:10] will you be in two generations? That's 60 years on there. How old will you be in 60 [00:21:15] years?
[00:21:18] Now, what if [00:21:20] God's actually called you to something that is 400 years from now? [00:21:25] Is it like going back to Jeff and being like, Hey, I actually am not in the game that long. I need to be [00:21:30] out by December 14th. Cause I'm, I'm looking at short term stuff and God's like, no, I got this [00:21:35] incredible opportunity, but you're gonna have to stick in the game for 400 years.
[00:21:39] You're like, [00:21:40] well, I kind of, we tend to die after about a hundred years. He says, well, what if it's not just [00:21:45] you that gets over the finish line? What's it's your family? What if it's your family team [00:21:50] that takes this over the finish line? So it's a different viewpoint of multi generational [00:21:55] family team though, is you're actually working as a team.
[00:21:58] That's why we have to shift the model. [00:22:00] Yeah. We're really, we understand teams and we understand cultures of teams. We have entire [00:22:05] industries that study teams. That's what actually I do for a living, uh, is I'm a leadership [00:22:10] and performance coach that helps teams get to the next level. So I study this stuff, [00:22:15] teams.
[00:22:15] So the big charge tonight to start acting like a team in your [00:22:20] current family team. And that means partnering with your downstream generation, [00:22:25] your kids, and the previous generation, partnering with your parents and grandparents. [00:22:30] Tapping in. What did they start that you might be able to move to that next level?[00:22:35]
[00:22:35] That's a question for you. Maybe you could ask that, ask your parents. What did you start that you weren't able to finish [00:22:40] or that you need me to carry on to that next generation? Or what, what did you start that you want our [00:22:45] grandkids to carry on to that next generation? And sometimes they have vision.
[00:22:48] Sometimes they don't. And then [00:22:50] lastly, it's on a mission. Well, if you got this awesome multi generational family, is that [00:22:55] cool? Is that meant so that you can enjoy the storehouse of blessing alone? Or is it like [00:23:00] Abraham and Jesus, where it's actually meant to be a blessing to all [00:23:05] nations. It's meant to be a blessing for others.
[00:23:07] So the family team does not meant to get strong [00:23:10] and. Profitable in thriving for its own benefit. It's meant for the [00:23:15] benefit and the flourishing of others. And I [00:23:20] love this quote.
[00:23:20] The one who plants trees, knowing that he will never sit in their shade, [00:23:25] has started to understand the meaning of life. [00:23:30] today You're not going to see that return, especially large [00:23:35] enough oak trees that can benefit the next generation. We have an oak tree in our [00:23:40] yard.
[00:23:41] We benefit from this incredible oak tree. We just had a hundred [00:23:45] people over from our community for a Sukkot gathering. It was awesome. We got a lot of you guys here [00:23:50] tonight who are there. It was great. We sat under this epic oak tree. And [00:23:55] none of us planted it! Somebody else, long before us, [00:24:00] chose to be a blessing to that next generation.
[00:24:03] So that's what family [00:24:05] teams do. So, alright, so the first [00:24:10] shift I was just telling you about was that you want to move from being short term to long term. [00:24:15] Jeff really is your guy, by the way, if you, uh [00:24:20] Alright, the second is moving from reactive to proactive. This is like every, we get [00:24:25] these concepts in our corporations.
[00:24:27] We've actually embraced the team [00:24:30] concept in our businesses really over the past 30 years. And so you [00:24:35] see this everywhere. Has anyone ever done a leadership retreat [00:24:40] with your team at work? Or have you ever done a, like a whiteboard session? Where you're saying, [00:24:45] Hey, let's make a plan. Let's visualize, let's strategize at work.
[00:24:49] Well, we're [00:24:50] just saying, take these same tools and start using them at home. Whiteboards, [00:24:55] retreats, vision. Those are not business things. They are vision, [00:25:00] long term leader concepts, and it's, it's God's [00:25:05] concepts. And so moving from reactive to proactive, we do this very practically, we have a [00:25:10] team meeting. Now we don't do it every week, but we have a structure that.
[00:25:14] We [00:25:15] have been growing at this where we have a weekly team meeting with our kids and with [00:25:20] each other. And we have a structure of how we operate our team, because we're trying to build something and [00:25:25] steward something as a team. And as for that next generation, we also have an annual summit, a planning where [00:25:30] we get away, we bring our kids into it.
[00:25:32] They get to talk about their own goals. [00:25:35] And even I'm so convicted, honestly, as I've really been prepared for this talk of just like what the Lord, [00:25:40] how the Lord wants to call me up to a whole new level. And that's what the big thing here is. I [00:25:45] just want to challenge you wherever you are. Just think about what might be [00:25:50] that next level.
[00:25:51] You might walk away here with feeling overwhelmed. I got to do [00:25:55] 40 things. It's like, no, you just got to pick one and listen to the Lord and just ask him, what's [00:26:00] the one thing you want me to do? And maybe it's a small tweak, like Michelle will give you later, or [00:26:05] Katie will share with you, it's a real small piece.
[00:26:07] Or maybe it's a big, massive shift. [00:26:10] You just gotta focus on what's your one thing that you can be doing, uh, to get to that [00:26:15] next level. The third big shift is just your culture. You wanna move from being [00:26:20] separated. Our culture is all about the disintegration of the family. And we actually do [00:26:25] that. Through our schedules the most when you go, if you've got multiple kids [00:26:30] in multiple activities, you're going to feel exhausted.
[00:26:32] You're going to feel spread thin, driving around, boom, to [00:26:35] thing, to thing, to think. And it's, we have to find ways to integrate [00:26:40] that and to shift that back. And so one of the ways that we've been able to do that, [00:26:45] uh, is just actually like, Michelle's actually going to give a lot of examples [00:26:50] as simple as like, we actually are a part of this CrossFit [00:26:55] community.
[00:26:56] And so we get the chance to bring our kids into that. So [00:27:00] when we go work out, it'd be tempting. It'd be easy for me to go work out by myself. And I used to do that [00:27:05] now. It's like, okay, which kid is coming with me? Or it's really fun. We do these [00:27:10] six, we would set up, uh, like, uh, just stations in our garage and just all, everybody just [00:27:15] bumps stations every, every one minute, you know, and it's just learning whatever you're going to do.
[00:27:19] [00:27:20] Just, you ask the simple question, how might we do this together? How might we do this together? [00:27:25] Now we kind of have a general rule where I don't go on a business trip, unless I'm bringing somebody from our family team. [00:27:30] It's pretty awesome. Now I. We did, I did have a God [00:27:35] six years ago, right around the time God called me to start a business with my mom.
[00:27:38] Now she thinks I only [00:27:40] started it so that she could get me to call her back when she calls me. [00:27:45] Actually, no, it has been incredible. And so literally [00:27:50] almost every business trip, my mom's with me. Like, we go on these workshops and speaking engagements, and my [00:27:55] mom's coming with me. Well, now it's cool, my younger generation's coming with us now.
[00:27:58] And so, like, Isaac, who is now [00:28:00] 11 at the time, I get this opportunity. It's a marketing opportunity to do a [00:28:05] video. We were doing a marketing opportunity for a school up in Akron. It was this flight school. [00:28:10] Isaac, about the past two or three years previous to that, I had been teaching him videography. And instead of [00:28:15] just me going, I was like, I'm just going to bring Isaac along, bring him in.
[00:28:18] He ends up going and he [00:28:20] produces the entire video with me as a 12 year old that ends up doing all these incredible things for the school. [00:28:25] But he, they came down, they flew into Butler County airport. They picked us up an adventure of a [00:28:30] lifetime for him. We were doing it together. And actually he has giftings that I don't [00:28:35] have.
[00:28:35] So this is important, though. It's gonna get worse before it gets better. You have to understand [00:28:40] this. This is how, when I started integrating my kids into the lawn, literally, I was like, Isaac, [00:28:45] you're eight. I think Marcos was eight and Isaac was five.
[00:28:49] And I was like, you [00:28:50] know what? I don't really like mowing the grass. No, I didn't. I was like, I'm gonna be a family team dad [00:28:55] here, you know? I have got vision here. This comes from the Bible, baby! Um, so, [00:29:00] um, I say, okay, guys, I'm gonna teach you how to cut the grass. And so Marcos is out there as the eight year old.
[00:29:04] He's [00:29:05] going along and he's actually doing okay. But Isaac, I gave him the weed eater as a five year old. Now, [00:29:10] so what happened is that it got really, [00:29:15] really bad for the first year. Like it was atrocious. The amount of just like [00:29:20] burn spots. Our yard was destroyed for a year. Here's the crazy part. Year two, [00:29:25] he was as good as me.
[00:29:27] Year three. He's better than [00:29:30] me as an eight year old. And this is the coolest part about building your family team [00:29:35] is that when your next generation gets better than you, [00:29:40] instead of being offended, you actually get to know, man, you just got [00:29:45] to the next level. You get the reap the fruit of every [00:29:50] downstream generation.
[00:29:52] We've got to stop thinking in us versus them [00:29:55] mindset. Now I go to, we do these CrossFit workouts and I get so pumped when anytime one of my kids beats me. [00:30:00] Now it's pretty easy cause they all beat me now. It's just. I [00:30:05] get to kind of be like, I built that, you know, and whatever fruit they're creating, [00:30:10] we get to create too.
[00:30:10] But long story short, it's going to get worse as you integrate your kids in. It's going to get more [00:30:15] chaotic, but it's worth it for the long game. I'm already over [00:30:20] time. Who's having fun though. All right. One picture of your energy, a typical family. [00:30:25] Spread thin in every direction. This is, [00:30:30] seems impossible, but there are ways that we can do this.
[00:30:32] The energy going in one [00:30:35] direction. There's a lot of very practical things that we're going to get to a little bit later, but this is [00:30:40] possible for your energy as a family, not to be spread out and for you not to feel [00:30:45] disintegrated all the time, but actually to be integrated. This is [00:30:50] big, the me centered.
[00:30:51] This is honestly, as I prayed about this, I think this is the biggest hindrance. [00:30:55] It's what our culture teaches. We are baked in this our [00:31:00] whole lives, that everything is about each one of us, that we're the [00:31:05] center of the story. And if you know what, if you've got kids growing, like they are trained all day, every day, and we [00:31:10] are not helping them out.
[00:31:12] When we ask, you know, when we center things [00:31:15] around them. And so this is a big challenge, but there are [00:31:20] ways to move that from a me centered culture to a team centered culture [00:31:25] and so, or as to a shared identity in one of the ways I'll say it now, which Michelle will talk more later, but [00:31:30] we just use team language all the time, instead of, it's just like me or it's team language.
[00:31:34] Team [00:31:35] Tiderman, you know, which flows into our mission. When I go off on a business trip, it's [00:31:40] not me going by myself. I'm taking a kid with me or my mom, but it's Team Tiderman being sent out on [00:31:45] mission. But through me, the team is happening through us. And so it's a [00:31:50] shared identity. Um, we have a church, Red Door Church.
[00:31:53] And one of the big things we talk [00:31:55] about is that when you give, you don't give to Red Door. You give through Red [00:32:00] Door. It's a shared identity. Even our website, when we started the whole thing, it was, [00:32:05] Josh Lennon, I remember when he came up to me, and he was just like, I got the coolest thing. You know, we're gonna [00:32:10] write, we are Red Door.
[00:32:12] And we couldn't get the domain, so we got I am Red Door, which kind of means the [00:32:15] same thing. But, it's actually the opposite, but it's uh, it has the same [00:32:20] concept here, but we are one united group here, okay? Alright, and these are [00:32:25] big. You have to help your kids answer this. Where do they come from? And they're getting, they're [00:32:30] getting opposite things told to them all day long.
[00:32:32] And so who are they? Why are we here? [00:32:35] Have you ever been through story form life? Or a, the Discovery Bible [00:32:40] study, that's what we really recommend because it builds these answers for you. It's understanding [00:32:45] that you're not the main character of the story. You are a complementary character in [00:32:50] God's story.
[00:32:50] He's the main character. Where do we get our validation from? [00:32:55] Ultimately, all these things, your teenagers, especially, and we're wrestling with this, we are in it with you. We've [00:33:00] now, we've homeschooled for a little while, we've gone to public school, we've got a mixture of all different things, but this [00:33:05] core question comes up for all of them.
[00:33:07] It's just like, who are they? And [00:33:10] is it about them? Or are they playing a bigger, a smaller role in a bigger story? [00:33:15] And that's a big part here. Your habits shape your identity. Atomic [00:33:20] Habits is a great book I use in our leadership development program, but you need to know that what you do shapes [00:33:25] who you are, and who you are shapes what you do.
[00:33:28] And it's a perpetual cycle, so it's [00:33:30] so important to address both of those. You gotta upgrade your identity, you gotta upgrade your habits. The big, [00:33:35] another big shift, I'm just gonna keep going until one of you cuts my mic off.
[00:33:37] Uh, next big thing is, [00:33:40] you! You are not a babysitter! We tend to think of parents as babysitters, especially if you ever heard [00:33:45] like the joke about dad, like dad's babysitting the kids again. No, you are the head coach. [00:33:50] Get your butt in there. Get some vision lead with strategy. [00:33:55] Make a game plan, teach some skills, set the tone, create buy in, build [00:34:00] connection, lead by example, hold your team accountable, cheer them on, and develop that [00:34:05] raw potential.
[00:34:05] See it. You are a coach and not a babysitter. And this is [00:34:10] why most, so many dads are totally disengaged. In the home. This is why we're [00:34:15] tempted to go build startups and big companies and even churches and organizations [00:34:20] outside the home because we can build outside the home because the homes a nest. But if we flip [00:34:25] the mindset, if you have a disengaged dad, I guarantee you, you start telling him he has a [00:34:30] team that needs him.
[00:34:32] His heart. We'll engage in a different way. There's [00:34:35] this incredible story about these, these patients in a psych ward [00:34:40] during world war two, and they just hadn't, they couldn't live for anything. They had no interest in anything. They were [00:34:45] just laying around all day, every day. And when the bombing start happened, this is in, in, [00:34:50] uh, in the UK, the bombing started happening and they actually need [00:34:55] ambulance drivers.
[00:34:56] And these guys that are bedridden, they have no purpose. They can't get out of bed. They have [00:35:00] nothing. When they realize that there's some, there's a team out there that needs them to play a critical role, [00:35:05] they get out of bed, every one of them engages. And they literally [00:35:10] left all their old symptoms in the past because they got wrapped up into a better story [00:35:15] and they realized they had a role.
[00:35:17] And so, yes, fathers, but it's the same thing for every [00:35:20] kid in your household. It's for you too, mom. It's for every one of us. We've got to realize. [00:35:25] That we have a key role in your parents. You're not babysitters. You are the [00:35:30] coach. Okay. So. Listen, how many of us think about family and [00:35:35] mission? For me, it was always my family's over here, mission over here. I go to the ends of the world, going to do [00:35:40] something, but my family's over here. There were two things that I cared about. It was family and mission.
[00:35:44] Other [00:35:45] models are family as mission, where we put all of our energy. It's all about the family. It's just about the [00:35:50] family. But instead, this is actually a different model. This is family on [00:35:55] And I'm going to give you the busiest slide in the history of slides, but I want you to see [00:36:00] this. This is a big epiphany for me personally, is I used to literally hear your, I lost your [00:36:05] minds for a second.
[00:36:05] Um, I used to go, we literally, I would fly [00:36:10] Michelle when we had our one year old. She was one year old. Michelle's mom had just passed [00:36:15] away previously. And we were doing all kinds of things missionally. And so I literally went [00:36:20] to Malaysia. She sent me to Malaysia for a month to build, I was building a software [00:36:25] development boot camp in Malaysia.
[00:36:26] It was this awesome story. It was this incredible missional thing that [00:36:30] I was doing. But I was doing it. And not Team Tiderman. Team Mark. [00:36:35] It was all this thing. And so, we actually had this, a lot of things happen. Team Tiderman [00:36:40] It was right around the time that this, that I got in contact with Jeremy and the Lord, like, [00:36:45] broke this off in my heart.
[00:36:46] And he literally gave me this model, Acts 1. 8. In, in the [00:36:50] book of Acts, in the chapter, in chapter one, Jesus is sending out his disciples and he actually [00:36:55] tells them, he says, you'll be my witnesses, Jerusalem, Judea, and the ends of the earth. And it's going to go through [00:37:00] Jerusalem, Judea, and to the ends of the earth, through.
[00:37:04] And so God [00:37:05] was like, God told me, he's like, Mark, this is. The model of mission where you've now got to do [00:37:10] your mission through your family but your intention is to go through your family to [00:37:15] your neighborhood to the ends of the earth and Instead of me being way over here [00:37:20] and my family being over here and me having this really weak impact Now [00:37:25] God's actually like Mark you might I'm calling you to the ends of the earth But [00:37:30] you might not never, you might never step foot in a nation, but your downstream descendants will.
[00:37:34] [00:37:35] I'm calling you to cultivate and plant trees that you will never sit under their [00:37:40] shade, because that is what the family team is. So this is how the [00:37:45] gospel moves. [00:37:50] [00:37:55] [00:38:00] [00:38:05] [00:38:10]
